At the tail end of 2019, I unexpectedly got laid off from my job of almost 5 years.

Ive gone back and forth about writing this post, because the entire situation brought me so much shame. And if I’m being honest, it still does a bit. When you hear those words, today is your last day with the company, suddenly you find yourself frantically navigating this dark, hazy unknown that you were just so aggressively shoved into. No more salary. No more benefits. No more routine. But you know what? That shit doesnt define me. So, lets talk about it.

I can only equate the feeling to Carrie Bradshaw in the first Sex and the City movie, sitting on Charlottes couch, staring into space, chugging vodka, and uttering, yes, Im still jilted.

So what do you do? I mean clearly, get drunk and cry a lot when it first happens. Youre human. I believe I sat on my couch, watched Contagion, and chugged wine all night as I envisioned living in a van down by the river.

But when I woke up the next morning and realized what happened wasnt a fucked up wine-induced dream, I pulled myself out of bed, even though I really didnt want to, and got moving. Thats key. The whole, Ill just give myself a day, will turn into a week, and before you know it two months has past and your pajamas are encrusted into your ass. GET. UP.

While this will sound incredibly corny, I’m a firm believer in, “everything happens for a reason.” Anytime the rug has gotten pulled out from underneath me, Ive found it has led me to better things. Things that made me happier and more fulfilled. So, while I don’t have a magic bandage to heal all lay off wounds, I do have some tricks to make this new, strange way of life a little easier to navigate.

Sign up for unemployment, like yesterday: Sign up even before you turn on Contagion. The whole process is a convoluted disaster area. You think you just sign up and the checks start flowing, right? Wrong. There is so much waiting, so much back and forth. It takes forever. I mean start signing up before your employer even gets done telling you youre getting laid off. For me I pretty much blacked out during most of that talk, so mine as well do something productive, right? Kate, today is your last Yeah PA Unemployment hi, its me, lets get this shit moving.

Oh and don’t be ashamed about being on unemployment: For me, the idea of being on unemployment was like the final nail in my failure coffin. But, my wise mother softly reminded me that, as an employee of 10+ years (ew), I constantly paid into it, so if God forbid something happened, it was there. So instead of a check of failure, I looked at it as a comfy cushion to use while I get back on my feet.

Set goals for yourself daily: Start out small. Maybe one day you’re going to aim to make your bed. The next, set a goal for networking with 5 people. They could be personal or professional. But whatever you choose, it will keep you motivated and active.

Don’t be afraid to cut people off: I can’t tell you how important it is to surround yourself with positive people who genuinely care for you and who will motivate you. It’s okay to distance yourself or set boundaries with people who no longer serve a purpose in your life, or who you just don’t believe have your best interest at heart. Trust your gut and make no apologies while doing so. I mean lay off or not, take this advice.

Don’t EVER say “funemployment”: EVER. Whomever invented the word should be shunned from society and/or burned at the stake. To be clear, this shit isnt fun. If you dont look at being unemployed as a full-time job of finding employment, youre doing it wrong.

Stay healthy: When else can you workout at any time of the day, or take the time to meal plan, research interesting recipes, and go to the grocery store when it doesn’t feel like Armageddon. I mean casually strolling through the produce section without five jags evil eyeing you down for no reason? What a slice of heaven. Having your mind and body in good shape will get you one step closer to leaving lay off land.

Focus on the things you can control: When I wasnt aggressively job hunting, I took a page out of the Home Edit (if you don’t follow them on IG, do it now, @thehomeedit, you’re welcome), and organized so many areas of my home. Every day I would tackle another basket or drawer or room, and I ended up throwing away like 20,000 pounds of nonsense. I think one of my finest accomplishments was organizing under my sink and placing my dishwasher pods in a mason jar instead of their plastic bag (hey, its the little things). Not only did it keep my mind busy, but it allowed me to purge and make everything clean and organized for whatever the hell my new start would be. Wait did I accidentally Marie Kondo my home?

Reach out if you need help: When you get laid off, you’re grieving a loss that comes with an arsenal full of emotions. The most important thing is to take care of yourself. Don’t be a hero. Own your bad days. Celebrate your good ones. Be selfish. Be vulnerable. Say no. Lean on the ones closest to you. Close the door to all toxic relationships. Ask for help. Seriously. Ask for help.

And remember, this shit doesn’t define you. A bunch of higher ups who barely know you or your skillset voting on your livelihood is not a reflection of you as a person or a professional. Better things are just around the corner. I know its hard to see through the thick, hazy film, but I promise you, it is coming. And if you ever want a reminder, reach out to me, and Ill be happy to listen to you cry, laugh, throw things, scream, chug wine, etc. You arent alone.

This is just a blip in your fantastic career story. I like to think it was for me.

You know the saying, “always dress like you’re about to see your worst enemy”? Well, as a lady in her 30s who loathes running errands, I subscribe to the saying, “dress like you give zero fucks because you want to get this shit done as quickly as possible.”

If my enemies saw me in “running errands” mode, they would do a victory lap. Stores are hot. Most people are rude, especially in the grocery store. Henceforth, most of the time, I don’t put in a lot of effort. Want to grab drinks? I’ll look like a million bucks… well… maybe like $100,000. Need shit to make dinner? I may look a little rough.

Quite frankly, I’m not sure when I stopped caring about what I looked like whilst running errands. Because I remember as a teenager, I wouldn’t even go get the mail without a full outfit and face of makeup on, because GOD forbid my crush would bike past my house or something.

So let me paint you an unfortunate picture:

I feel very blessed it’s wintertime… well, YOU should feel very blessed it’s wintertime, because a chic coat is the best distraction from a hot mess look. A winter hat, cute coat, and sunglasses? You think I look so stylish with a side of rosacea, right? Well, it’s because the sweatshirt I’m wearing, which happens to have Diet Coke stains on it, topped with a thick layer of dog fur, with my taas fully unsupported, is hidden from your eye balls.

I think I trick myself into believing it’s okay leaving the house looking somewhat homeless by pretending I’m just like a celebrity, dressed all comfy without makeup on, trying not to be noticed by my swarm of fans at the airport. Welp, I’m the farthest thing from a celebrity. And I don’t see what would stop Carol from 10^th grade chemistry class, who sees me in Wegmans for the first time after 15 years, from coming over and painfully reuniting.

So I raise my glass to you ladies in your Lululemons, looking all put together and fabulous while I creep past you in the produce section looking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame who escaped from her bed and binge watch. Especially the ones with kids. How the fuck do you care for children AND manage to make yourself look flawless out in public? I mean, serious props to those ladies.

I don’t think we always need to be put together. Mostly because it’s EXHAUSTING. Why do I need to shower, curl my hair, style a cute outfit, and put on a full face of makeup when I just need God damn chicken breasts? Its one thing if it makes you feel good to do so, its another when youre doing it to please others. I dont care who judges me, I dont get glam for the grocery store. I suppose this is one of those rare and mystical things about getting older.

For the ones who are like me, who give zero fucks about what they look like whilst running necessary errands, I would say high five me or something if you see me out, but let’s be real, neither or us want to make eye contact with anyone, so a silent salute will have to do.

I really didn’t want to write a “LIFE SUCKS IN A STRAPLESS BRA IS BACK, BABY,” post because I’ve written and posted this oh so many times, even I’m like, “seriously… AGAIN?! See you in a year, bitch :::eye roll:::.” I write a post. I’m like, “that should suffice for a bit. Then a year goes by without one word written. Why? I mean no one wants to hear my bullshit excuses.

So why am I giving this a shot again? Because resolutions… DUH. No, truthfully I think resolutions are actual nonsense. No one cares that you’re doing “dry January,” Carol.

Everything in moderation, people. But I digress.

In all seriousness, when I dont write, when I dont have that outlet, I dont feel like myself. And this little blog is apart of me now. It has been since I birthed it in 2011 (holy SHIT that was a long time ago… and yet I haven’t aged a day :::hair flip:::). And I happen to believe its incredibly important to focus and nourish the things and people who bring joy to your life. So Im blowing off the dust, and nurturing my craft once again. Honestly, it makes my heart so happy.

It’s like a friendship that fizzled out, and you see something on Facebook Memories that reminds you, “you know what, that bitch was FUN… I should reach out.”

So that’s what I’m doing. I’m firing up the ol’ blogging machine, and giving this a whirl once again.

For now, Im just REALLY looking forward to chatting with you about real life things like trying to put on a body suit whilst incredibly intoxicated. And having no shame about talking to anyone and everyone about your ovaries. Just a little taste of all things to come.

So follow along. Keep me honest. Write me really sincere comments like, “So you’re not comfortable with your giggly bits? Then hit the fucking gym, fat cunt,” (which was an actual comment I once received and it destroyed me/made my day so thank you, Taylor, whomever/wherever you are).

But no… be kind, for real. I’m fragile.

Up until, oh I dont know, August of 2018, I didnt know how to ride a bike. Stop. Seriously stop reading. Let that sink in for a minute. Ill give you a minute to regroup

No, my parents were not neglectful jerks. They taught me. With a cute pink bike with glittery tassels on the handle bars and an adorable white whicker basket with plastic purple and pink flowers on the front.

I have such fond memories of them holding on to me, saying, you got this, sweetie, and riding up and down my block until the sun was setting, trying desperately to master the skill. But, my good ol social anxiety set in at age 7 and I was all, Im going to go inside and write and color forever, and I never flung my leg over a bike again.

Until at the not so sweet age of 31 when I started to date a guy who lived and breathed for bike riding. He literally said, bike riding is really important to me, Kate. And I internally whispered to myself, fuck.

I bet youre wondering how I got away with not riding a bike between the ages of 7 and 31? Yeah. Me too. I guess it was a lot of, oh guys, Ill meet you there or shoot, Im in heels. But you know, I dont really remember being hassled much, so thanks, friends and family!

Let me tell you, it wasnt embarrassing AT ALL telling him I couldnt ride a bike (it was one of my finer mortifying moments in my life). Spoiler alert: he didnt break up with me, so that was cool. He also didnt believe me, because, :::stupid man voice::: its just like riding a bike. Right.

So, in the heat of summer, down the shore, in shorts and flip flops (because I also barely own sneakers thats a different story), I walked to a quiet part of the street so I could prove to my boyfriend the saying, its just like riding a bike, it complete and utter hogwash.

I flung my leg over the thing and immediately felt this surge of, okay okay I got this. But this quiet area he found for me to learn was in between two motels. And all of a sudden I felt like a sideshow act. Like the vacationers werent there to sit poolside and relax, but came for the week to witness an actual adult woman not know how to maneuver a bike.

The lesson ended with me not remembering how to break, internally freaking out that I was going to break my face, quickly flinging my foot down while I was still in motion, and horribly stubbing my toe. To which I hopped off the bike and said calmly (no I wasnt), Im done. Thats it for today. Im not giving up. But today Im done. Ill try again later (no I wasnt).

I had done the impossible. I proved to my patient and encouraging boyfriend that a person could, indeed, forget how to ride a bike. Tai from Clueless was right, except I wasnt a virgin who couldnt drive, I was a loser who couldnt ride a bike. Way harsh, Tai, but accurate.

His words, bike riding is really important to me, Kate kept playing over and over in my head as I took my walk of shame and defeat. As a gaggle of kids rode by on bikes, I screamed, Ohh yeah just ride along like its nothing. You think its SO easy. SOOOO easy, a la Carrie Bradshaw when a guy bumped in to her on the street after her boyfriend broke up with her on a Post It.

We didnt broach the topic again until we went on vacation together with my family. He went to go rent a surf board and a stand up paddle board (as one does), but also surprised me with a bike. Hey, its here if you want to give it a try again. (Nope)

But one morning, I gave the lesson another go (I must have had my vacation ritual of champagne before 10am). I got on, and with his words of encouragement, keep peddling, dont stop, you got this, just keep peddling, I took tiny little baby steps to successfully riding without falling or stubbing my toe. In fact, I went around the block, a thank you :::hair flip:::.

I immediately ran into the house and was all, MOM, MOM, did you see me?! I rode a bike without dying! To which she responded unenthusiastically, Kate, youre 31. 

For the rest of vacation, I was the one asking my boyfriend to go on bike rides simply so I could scream at gaggles of kids riding, HEY! LOOK AT ME! IM DOING IT, TOO! YEAH. SUCK IT. 

What can I say, my story is a lot like Oprahs. Her talk show first went national when she was 32. I learned how to ride a bike when I was 31. Ill be launching my own TV network shortly. Stay tuned

I havent written for a year. An entire year. 

As I wipe off the figurative dust from Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra, I cant help but think about who I was when I put the pen down on this day last year. I was depressed. Heartbroken. Pissed off. I had lost my way. Lost my voice. Lost what I loved most about this blog, which was coming to an empty space in the interweb and filing it with funny, interesting nonsense that I pulled from my brain that seemed to entertain people. 

Thats why I walked away. Kate needed to get her words back. I mean my last post one year ago today ended with, Al Gore rules. PEACE. Uhhh. Yeah. Baby girl needed a time out. 

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PREFACE: Its been a while since I hit submit on a post. I dont have an excuse. Im not going to be all, uhh writers block, and I suck and Trumps a dick hole so its HIS fault :::shakes fist::: THATS why I havent written. I mean all of those things are true AND valid, but alas Im not going to do that. Now that weve covered that

As I sit here on my couch, binge watching coverage of Hurricane Irma and stuffing my face with caramel and milk chocolate covered pretzels (yeah they are tiny slices of heaven), I cant help but have this super eery feeling like its the end of times. DACA, hurricanes destroying the country, everyone suddenly feeling like its 100% okay to be a full blown racist again, and the fact that Hillary Clinton is STILL not our President. I mean fuck us right?

And now its fashion week. Usually Im all about it. I stalk Twitter, I watch the live shows on my phone, and Im pretty sure Im the last standing Tidal member, because I originally downloaded the app to watch the Yeezy fashion shows and never really deleted it, so youre welcome Jay z and Kanye West, youre welcome. Enjoy my $9.99 a month.

Obsessed would be an understatement when it came to fashion week. It gave me joy and a sense of peace in the vainest way possible. I would sit there watching these beautiful fashions, dreaming of the day I would get to watch the shows live, and everything felt better.

But fashion week this year feels trivial. And let me be very clear that it makes me want to vomit that I actually typed out that sentence. It just feels really fucked up for me to go on Twitter right now and tweet, I would sell my mothers soul for that Marc Jacobs jacket #NYFW, like I normally would, when Florida is about to get Day After Tomorrow-ed. I can really only compare it to loudly saying something inappropriate at a funeral.

Im seeing these fantastic fashion folk I follow on Instagram showing how busy they are and how they plan to survive fashion week, and while I normally would be thinking, you lucky bitch, I want your life where did I go wrong?, Im kind of just like uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh ssstttttttttoooppp. Like I want to watch their fabulous stories of running from show to show with envy, but Im watching between two fingers as I cringe.

I get it. Its fashion week. Its an institution and these very talented people worked tirelessly to put on these shows. They didnt know Donald Trump would actually get elected, then would decide climate change wasnt a thing, and then weirdly have 45 hurricanes destroy numerous cities in the US. I mean HOW could they know that?

We shouldnt have to sit shiva just because the world is crumbling around us. But I needed the world to know I feel very uncomfortable oogling over the fashions this year. If you see me tweet anything about fashion week, in my brain I will be doing so, peering around an imaginary corner with binoculars, quietly whispering to myself, Alexander Wang is a genius. Satan, here is my mothers soul, now give me the entire collection. Oh yeah #NYFW. As I try to quietly crunch on my popcorn, trying not to make a sound. Thats how I will be tweeting, if I even decide to. Which again I probably wont, because, like I said, Im SUPER uncomfortable. Am I the only one?

Now thats off my chest, Im sincerely sending my love to everyone suffering in any way. Stay strong, kids.

Al Gore rules. PEACE. 

We, as a society, have a problem. Actually no. Let me rephrase that. We, as a society, have MANY problems. 

Donald Trump is our President, the US is pretty much a stones throw away from becoming the Handmaids Tale, and oh yeah, people think Rihanna is fat?! Is anyone else pinching themselves like, WAKE UP, self, WAKE UP, this shit cant be real! Make it stop. I want to be a baby again! (No? Just me?)

First of all, Barstool Sports, on behalf of ALL women, go fuck yourself. 

Second of all, didnt your mama teach you to NEVER comment on a womans weight that is unless you want to get smacked.

Because shit happens. Sometimes you get depressed and you gain weight. Sometimes youre on medicine that makes you gain weight. Sometimes when your uterine lining sheds and you bleed from your vagina for a couple of days guess what? You gain weight. 

And then theres this mystical thing called, living life. Its this crazy world where women get to kick back, relax, and not spend every waking minute counting calories or having a trainer bark instructions at you. Where you arent expected to have 6-pack abs and walk around in bandage dresses with insane five inch stilettos to elongate our legs. Vomit.

You just say, self, stop giving a fuck for one minute, and enjoy life. Show off your new curves. Have the second piece of cake. Indulge in your cravings. Dont cringe at the thought of having to go to the gym after work. Just dont go. Shh, I wont tell anyone.

Arent we allowed to do that without some jackhole commenting that, ooohhh someone has been hittin the room service a bit too hard. 

Because as someone who has gained a bit of weight over the past few months, if these idiots think Rihanna is fat, then God damn, send me off to the bell tower, because clearly its not appropriate for society, especially males, to see me at such a size GASP.

To answer your question, Barstool Sports, being fat will never be a trend. In fact, the word itself, in my opinion, should be banned because it is cruel and hurtful, much like your post about a woman you only know through your earbuds and shit you read on TMZ.

At the end of the day you have zero idea of what is going on in someones head or heart, or what is going on with someones health. 

So tell me. Why comment on shit you know zero about? 

Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra OUT.

Also, Rihanna, youre beautiful. But you dont need my ass to tell you that. #Queen

Merriam Websters dictionary defines avant garde as: a group of people who develop new and often very surprising ideas in art, literature, etc. A la Rei Kawakubo of Commes des Garcon. 

Now after that definition, think of the Met Gala red carpet last night. Yeah. Shiny, backless dresses dont constitute as avant garde, people, but nice try. Nor does having your bits and pieces out for everyone to see, Kendall Jenner yeah Im looking at you. 

The Met Gala is my big game of the season. I live for it. But unfortunately this year fell flat. Until Rhianna showed up and picked up the pieces of my broken heart by defining and schooling people in avant garde. Thank Jesus. 

What I wouldnt give to be invited to an avant garde event. You can really go balls to the wall with your outfit without a care in the world. Hell, I was half tempted to rock a bird cage on my head to work today just to make a statement about how boring the fashion was at the Met Gala but alas, my bird cage was too heavy. 

So when you are presented with an invitation honoring a tastemaker in the avant garde world, why the fuck would you show up in a curve hugging, boring, ball gown? Do tell, stylists Ill wait. 

Ahh well. What can you do. Although it made it crazy easy to pick out my winners for best dressed. Because obviously everyone in Philly is waiting patiently for my picks (am I right). 

Well here it is, my avant garde winners of the night. AKA people who didnt bore me to death and took a fucking risk. Enjoy. 

AND THE QUEEN

A lot of people wonder why the knife emoji is always in my emoji top 8. In fact, I get a little bummed out when I notice the knife emoji has dipped out of my top 8 (what, you guys dont have an emoji top 8?).

Having a bad day? Knife emoji.

People suck? Knife emoji.

When your fave Chinese food restaurant refuses to deliver? Knife emoji.

Hell, sometimes I just text my sister the knife emoji and its like, enough said. Shes stabby. Leave it alone.

Which made me think about all of the things that have made me stabby recently. Because there are OH so many. For starters, writers block. FUCK writers block, man. Hence why I havent posted in over a month. Sigh. Because I had a whole lot of nothin goin on up in this piece. 

So here I am, feeling stabby, and wanting to share it with the world. 

Oh, and to be clear, I would never ACTUALLY stab someone. Only a little bit in the thigh, IF NECESSARY (kidding kind of). 

1. Unicorn everything: Why. Like I get it for little kids. But theres something that just makes me incredibly sad to see grown ass adults walking, drinking, eating, and covered in unicorn shit. Right?

2. Jeans covered in mud for $425: Da fuq? Thats all I have to say about that. 

3. Coachella and everything Coachella-related: Does anyone else find Coachella fashion nauseating? Cut off short shorts with my with ass cheeks hanging out and crocheted crop tops paired with a unicorn-style flower crown, and enough glitter to make a drag queen jealous just doesnt get my rocks off. Sorry.  

4. Anything that comes out of Donald Trumps mouth: I mean, do I need to elaborate?

5. Off the shoulder tops: I kind of wanted to one until I realized, A. Sarah Palin rocked one in the White House and immediately all of them needed to be burned and B. wearing one requires a strapless bra, and we all know how I feel about them. Ladies with big taas need to wear a bra, fortunately and unfortunately all at the same time.

6. Cramps: Im currently suffering and just want to have an intimate spooning session with my heating pad. 

8. What Dakota Johnson or any other star looks like without makeup on: Makeup makes everything better. Who doesnt feel like a million bucks after going into Sephora for eyeliner and walking out with $200 worth of crap you didnt need? Also bitch was TOTALLY wearing makeup at the Oscars. Give me a break.

9. Showing your ass while posing in front of beautiful landscapes: According to Facebook, this is a thing? And it makes me want to leave civilization forever.

10. Slow walkers: Yes, I am that asshole walking way to close behind you so you MOVE THE FUCK ALONG. 

11. People who email me and refer to me as LifeSucksInAStraplessBra then hates on my SEO practices and everything else I have going on in the backend of my blog: How hard is it to look at my bio and be like, oh her name is Kate, and then say, Hey Kate, your SEO practices and all of your other web skills suck and you have MAJOR problems. Also, stop emailing me because I dont care. 

12. Sweating/sweating through my bra: Murderous rage. I daydream about whipping that thing off the minute I get home. Sick, right? 

13. In the same breath, humidity: Its like yay springtime, outside, frothy drinks, and then the oversized, fat and sweaty palm of the humidity monster bitch slaps me across the face. Nope. Solid nope.

I cant tell you how awesome it is to see real women in ads and on the fashion week runways. Its about damn time. 

Target and Christian Sirano are some great examples of brands that have embraced the fact that most women have curves and cellulite, and their belly giggles, and that being a size 0 really isnt a norm. Um hi, check me off for all of that (I love carbs). 

But now I feel like there is a battle going on with the word curves. Curves is synonymous with plus size. ASOSs plus size line is called Curves. One of my favorite movies of ALL-TIME is, Real Women Have Curves, with America Ferrera (if you havent seen it, what is wrong with you? Seriously. Watch it, like right now GO). 

I have zero idea why or when the word curves became synonymous with plus size (and we all know how I feel about the phrase plus size and if you cant recall I fucking hate it). 

I get it, saying youre curvy is a lot nicer than saying youre fat or overweight. But why? Why are we downplaying our curves? Curves rule. Can you picture a life without curves. YAWN. God gave us taas and an ass for a reason, kids. Jesus, have you watched Real Women Have Curves yet? Get on it!

And I get why people were infuriated over the Zara ad that had two stick figures telling the world to embrace their curves. I totally get why everyone is pissed. BUT BUT (hear me out, angry mob) they are women. Who cares if they are skelator status, they have teeny tiny little booties, and hey, that makes for some curves. Yes, Im going literal with the word here, people, deal.

Look, I want to see all different kinds of women in ads (Zara, get on it). I really do. Its important for all of us to know that no matter your size, or your percentage of belly fat and cellulite, youre beautiful. And hey, most bellys giggle (its true, Im sure even Gigi Hadids dumbass stomach giggles). 

Some of the most beautiful art work back in the day was of curvy women. They were considered the Kim Kardashian-standard of beauty. Look at this gal by Willem de Kooning below. A woman like this could have been in Playboy back in the day. So next time you think youre fat, or could loose a few LBs, think of this art. And love yourself a little. Every inch of all of your curves. Give them a little squeeze and remember youre beautiful.

I think we all need to start embracing our curviness. And stop immediately thinking curves equals being overweight. If youre overweight, say youre overweight. Hey Im pretty sure I am (did I mention I love carbs aint no shame in my game). And Im trying to get healthy, thats all that matters. But even when I was a size 6, I still had curves because the lord blessed me (or cursed me, either or) with rather large and in charge taas, or secret bombs as my friends like to call them (getting REAL personal over here).

One of the best parts of being a woman, no matter if you are a size zero or a size 24, is that we have curves. Own it and embrace it.