Yankee Pot Roast

Time 2020-10-12 01:04:54

Web Name: Yankee Pot Roast

WebSite: http://www.yankeepotroast.org

ID:78751

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No they fail you! As if they don t, as well, sometimes also fail you, too. Sometimes.Bore Vidal. Just fuckin with you, man. Yeah? Well, self-defense fails you. Fat lips fail Gore Vidal. [Note: could lead to retaliatory kiss.] Maybe, but my fist is a success! Just wanted to see if a black eye twinkles. Nice try, Myra Breckenridge. I don t need that many as long as I ve got my favorite two: knucklesandwich. Yep - and as soon as you get up, they re gonna fail me once more. Mommy s Not Going to Heaven and Neither Are You!By Christopher HitchensAmazon.com Sales Rank: #18 in BooksMost Recent Customer Reviews: Finally! This is the definitive atheist and antitheist polemic teaching tool for children! A must-have for any contrarian who views religion as a devastating manmade conceit with which to subjugate the masses and suppress independent thought! Beautifully illustrated! The Adventures of Billy the Rapist and His Zionist HenchmenBy Christopher HitchensAmazon.com Sales Rank: #324 in BooksMost Recent Customer Reviews: I m not really sure that this is suitable for children and, regardless of pages and pages of exhaustive pontificating about the occupation of Palestine I don t think my kid should be reading about a bunny character who rapes his interns! (Besides, what bunny rabbit has an intern?) This book is strictlyneo-con pejorative allegory and I don t think it s suitable for the suggested ages of 4-8 let alone anyone. Also, at 432 pages, it s a little long for a bedtime story. Hiccup Harry and the Order of LeprechaunsBy Christopher HitchensAmazon.com Sales Rank: #457 in BooksMost Recent Customer Reviews: Even though this is a flimsy knockoff of J. K. Rowling, Hitchens has crafted a whimsical fairytale about a teetotaler with chronic hiccups who goes off the wagon after his parents are killed, and falls in with a group of leprechauns from the mythical Kingdom of Briarlande. These Leprechauns are trying to reunite their fractured country after a group of evil separatists (lead by the nefarious Lord Galloward) launch a revolution and divide the country. The story gets a bit lost in Harry s drinking adventures (he tells the leprechauns that he drinks to make others more tolerable) and some of the language is a bit strong for young readers; but it s a great read and sets the tone for the series as Harry embarks on a quest to unite Briarlande. Dear God, How Come I m Not Funny?By Christopher HitchensAmazon.com Sales Rank: #502 in BooksMost Recent Customer Reviews: A series of diary entries told through the eyes of Tiffany Flustercluck, an angst-ridden Christian teenager coming of age in Scottsdale, Arizona. Tiffany struggles with peer pressure, her newfound femininity and her genetic inability to make people laugh. How will she ever get a boy to like her? Almost hilarious! Smokey Smoke-a-licious!By Christopher HitchensAmazon.com Sales Rank: #700 in BooksMost Recent Customer Reviews: This amazing picture-book follows Smokey around the country around as he smokes in public places, candy stores and milk bars! His parents warn him about the dangers of smoking, but Smokey doesn t get sick he gets smarter! Soon he s studying Trotsky and Jefferson and palling around with hot college girls at Georgetown! But what will he do when faced with a nationwide draconian law banning smoking in milk bars? What else? Appear on a million talk shows denouncing the archaic puritanical mollycoddling of the fascist germophobes, (or germofascists), who seek to rid the world of pollution by littering the streets with their uninformed pro-life screeds on health-care initiatives! Absolutely enchanting! My three-year-old loved it! We can t wait for the Broadway musical! A must-read for kids and disenfranchised smokers of all ages! * * *Other Entities That Are Not Great, According to an Inebriated but Still Quite Formidable Christopher HitchensDaniel McArdleAlexander the GreatA thieving, fanatical Albanian dwarf. Wait. That s what I said about Mother Theresa. My usually encyclopedic memory has perhaps been muddied a bit by that third bottle of Black Label. A buggering, megalomaniacal Macedonian midget. There, that s much better. Though one must concede that Alexander could famously imbibe gallons of the wine-skinned swill of his age and still remain standing nay, defiant a trait I wholeheartedly admire and endorse.Raping and pillaging ones way across half the globe hardly qualifies one for greatness per se, though one could say that at least Alexander did something proactive, unlike the cringing, odious cowards of the Left. They seem content to acquiesce and appease, like fucking Chamberlain kowtowing to das Fuhrer, while real men of courage like George W. Bush and Dick Cheney stand and fight nay, volunteer for service in er well, regardless, I m still right about Iraq. Fuck off.* * *The Great Wall of ChinaThis supposedly impenetrable structure hardly kept those fucking unwashed Mongols from invading and subjugating their supposedly divine middle kingdom. Speaking of divinity, the Chinese insistence that their emperor was the son of heaven smacks of that most corrupt and pernicious of all evils, religion.One could say the Chinese almost deserved to have the Mongols overwhelm them. But saying so would infer the existence of the aforementioned divinity, in its infamous guise of retribution. This quaint notion is of course paradoxically disproved by the success of immoral abominations as Henry Kissinger, Jerry Falwell, and that true pillar of fraud and malfeasance, Mother Theresa. Alas, the impractical battlement is utterly porous when compared to the stalwart adamantine barriers against Islamofascism erected by the intrepid and prescient Mr. Bush, much to the chagrin of my spineless antagonists on the Left, especially the intellectually stunted sycophants at The Nation.They d like nothing more than to verily throw open the gates of western civilization to terrorists and jihadists nay, invite them in for fucking lemonade. Virgin of course, lest they offend their guests fragile religious sensibilities. As the great W.C. Fields once remarked, Never trust a man who doesn t drink the obvious corollary to this is always trust one who does, especially one who can drink enough for three stout men, yet still remain lucid nay, triumphant scattering his bleating rivals before him.* * *Wayne GretskyA simpering Bambi narcissist. Wait. Damn, that s what I called Princess Diana. Seriously, can one be considered great based on one s excellence in a gross physical activity? Or in anything regarded by the unwashed masses as sport ? True fucking sport involves the verbal evisceration and humiliation of one s sputtering and overmatched foes, preferably in a charged public forum, before a gasping throng of cowed but fawning spectators.Also he never had to contend with the vicious cross-checking and man-marking that Mario Lemieaux suffered through on a nightly basis. One is reminded of the constant barrage from the caterwauling liberal press on the indefatigable Mr. Bush.Alas, the peace-mongering Canadians insistence on deifying the Great One is simply replacing one false god with another, though at least Gretsky has video evidence of his greatness , unlike Jesus or Mohammed, or that thieving bitch Mother Theresa.* * *Frosted FlakesThe rabid frothing of their pathetic anthropomorphic tiger mascot notwithstanding, these flakes decompose in seconds into an insipid, over-sweet slurry, not unlike the sugarcoated pap generated by the insipid dolts infesting the cubicles at The Nation. Now if you ll excuse me I have to get something solid to eat to help forestall an imminent buggering hangover. Sod off.Mommy s Not Going to Heaven and Neither Are You!By Christopher HitchensAmazon.com Sales Rank: #18 in BooksMost Recent Customer Reviews: Finally! This is the definitive atheist and antitheist polemic teaching tool for children! A must-have for any contrarian who views religion as a devastating manmade conceit with which to subjugate the masses and suppress independent thought! Beautifully illustrated! The Adventures of Billy the Rapist and His Zionist HenchmenBy Christopher HitchensAmazon.com Sales Rank: #324 in BooksMost Recent Customer Reviews: I m not really sure that this is suitable for children and, regardless of pages and pages of exhaustive pontificating about the occupation of Palestine I don t think my kid should be reading about a bunny character who rapes his interns! (Besides, what bunny rabbit has an intern?) This book is strictlyneo-con pejorative allegory and I don t think it s suitable for the suggested ages of 4-8 let alone anyone. Also, at 432 pages, it s a little long for a bedtime story. Hiccup Harry and the Order of LeprechaunsBy Christopher HitchensAmazon.com Sales Rank: #457 in BooksMost Recent Customer Reviews: Even though this is a flimsy knockoff of J. K. Rowling, Hitchens has crafted a whimsical fairytale about a teetotaler with chronic hiccups who goes off the wagon after his parents are killed, and falls in with a group of leprechauns from the mythical Kingdom of Briarlande. These Leprechauns are trying to reunite their fractured country after a group of evil separatists (lead by the nefarious Lord Galloward) launch a revolution and divide the country. The story gets a bit lost in Harry s drinking adventures (he tells the leprechauns that he drinks to make others more tolerable) and some of the language is a bit strong for young readers; but it s a great read and sets the tone for the series as Harry embarks on a quest to unite Briarlande. Dear God, How Come I m Not Funny?By Christopher HitchensAmazon.com Sales Rank: #502 in BooksMost Recent Customer Reviews: A series of diary entries told through the eyes of Tiffany Flustercluck, an angst-ridden Christian teenager coming of age in Scottsdale, Arizona. Tiffany struggles with peer pressure, her newfound femininity and her genetic inability to make people laugh. How will she ever get a boy to like her? Almost hilarious! Smokey Smoke-a-licious!By Christopher HitchensAmazon.com Sales Rank: #700 in BooksMost Recent Customer Reviews: This amazing picture-book follows Smokey around the country around as he smokes in public places, candy stores and milk bars! His parents warn him about the dangers of smoking, but Smokey doesn t get sick he gets smarter! Soon he s studying Trotsky and Jefferson and palling around with hot college girls at Georgetown! But what will he do when faced with a nationwide draconian law banning smoking in milk bars? What else? Appear on a million talk shows denouncing the archaic puritanical mollycoddling of the fascist germophobes, (or germofascists), who seek to rid the world of pollution by littering the streets with their uninformed pro-life screeds on health-care initiatives! Absolutely enchanting! My three-year-old loved it! We can t wait for the Broadway musical! A must-read for kids and disenfranchised smokers of all ages! * * *Other Entities That Are Not Great, According to an Inebriated but Still Quite Formidable Christopher HitchensDaniel McArdleAlexander the GreatA thieving, fanatical Albanian dwarf. Wait. That s what I said about Mother Theresa. My usually encyclopedic memory has perhaps been muddied a bit by that third bottle of Black Label. A buggering, megalomaniacal Macedonian midget. There, that s much better. Though one must concede that Alexander could famously imbibe gallons of the wine-skinned swill of his age and still remain standing nay, defiant a trait I wholeheartedly admire and endorse.Raping and pillaging ones way across half the globe hardly qualifies one for greatness per se, though one could say that at least Alexander did something proactive, unlike the cringing, odious cowards of the Left. They seem content to acquiesce and appease, like fucking Chamberlain kowtowing to das Fuhrer, while real men of courage like George W. Bush and Dick Cheney stand and fight nay, volunteer for service in er well, regardless, I m still right about Iraq. Fuck off.* * *The Great Wall of ChinaThis supposedly impenetrable structure hardly kept those fucking unwashed Mongols from invading and subjugating their supposedly divine middle kingdom. Speaking of divinity, the Chinese insistence that their emperor was the son of heaven smacks of that most corrupt and pernicious of all evils, religion.One could say the Chinese almost deserved to have the Mongols overwhelm them. But saying so would infer the existence of the aforementioned divinity, in its infamous guise of retribution. This quaint notion is of course paradoxically disproved by the success of immoral abominations as Henry Kissinger, Jerry Falwell, and that true pillar of fraud and malfeasance, Mother Theresa. Alas, the impractical battlement is utterly porous when compared to the stalwart adamantine barriers against Islamofascism erected by the intrepid and prescient Mr. Bush, much to the chagrin of my spineless antagonists on the Left, especially the intellectually stunted sycophants at The Nation.They d like nothing more than to verily throw open the gates of western civilization to terrorists and jihadists nay, invite them in for fucking lemonade. Virgin of course, lest they offend their guests fragile religious sensibilities. As the great W.C. Fields once remarked, Never trust a man who doesn t drink the obvious corollary to this is always trust one who does, especially one who can drink enough for three stout men, yet still remain lucid nay, triumphant scattering his bleating rivals before him.* * *Wayne GretskyA simpering Bambi narcissist. Wait. Damn, that s what I called Princess Diana. Seriously, can one be considered great based on one s excellence in a gross physical activity? Or in anything regarded by the unwashed masses as sport ? True fucking sport involves the verbal evisceration and humiliation of one s sputtering and overmatched foes, preferably in a charged public forum, before a gasping throng of cowed but fawning spectators.Also he never had to contend with the vicious cross-checking and man-marking that Mario Lemieaux suffered through on a nightly basis. One is reminded of the constant barrage from the caterwauling liberal press on the indefatigable Mr. Bush.Alas, the peace-mongering Canadians insistence on deifying the Great One is simply replacing one false god with another, though at least Gretsky has video evidence of his greatness , unlike Jesus or Mohammed, or that thieving bitch Mother Theresa.* * *Frosted FlakesThe rabid frothing of their pathetic anthropomorphic tiger mascot notwithstanding, these flakes decompose in seconds into an insipid, over-sweet slurry, not unlike the sugarcoated pap generated by the insipid dolts infesting the cubicles at The Nation. Now if you ll excuse me I have to get something solid to eat to help forestall an imminent buggering hangover. Sod off. his e-mail will serve to inform you that your subscription to Netflix has been canceled. We found out what you did, and we think it s disgusting.This e-mail will also serve as notice that you are no longer a member of the Y.M.C.A. The Y is a community organization and has served families in this area for more than a hundred years, while encouraging healthy lifestyles and active citizenship for all. Naturally, we don t want someone like you hanging around.Additionally, the state D.O.T. is revoking your driver s license. In the event of your death, you will not be allowed to donate your organs. No one wants them anymore.The session of jury duty you served last year has been stricken from the record and the case on which you served will be retried. Had we known then what we know now, you would not have been called.While your health insurance cannot be stripped from you, even under these circumstances, your provider has created a plan designed specifically for you that will not cover any expenses but will deduct a significantly higher amount from your paycheck every two weeks. It s better than you deserve.On second thought, you re fired.Not to mention: Your dry cleaning has been incinerated, the remaining value of your gift cards and gift certificates has been electronically deleted, your contributions to various charities will be returned, your electricity will be shut off in three days, no one will compliment your appearance, all your jokes will fall flat, someone will vandalize the front door of your apartment, and you will forget how to whistle.Also, your mother has disowned you.Finally, this e-mail will be your last e-mail. People like you should not be allowed to communicate on the Internet. You ll just make things worse than they already are.We just thought you should know.Sincerely,Everyone Lucas Klauss hails from Georgia and lives in Brooklyn. He reads books with names like Lacrosse Firestorm for a living. His work can be found at McSweeney s Internet Tendency, The Apiary, and lucasklauss.blogspot.com. Apostles: The Original EntourageMatt SullivanTEASER TRAILERINT. RESTAURANT NIGHTJane s Addiction song Superhero plays. JESUS and APOSTLE ERIC enter the modest establishment, where Eric approaches the OWNER.APOSTLE ERICHi, I m with Jesus. We ll need a table for 12 INT. RESTAURANT NIGHT - MINUTES LATERJesus holds court with the Apostles.JESUSWaiter, could I have another bottle of wine or water whatever!Big laughs from the whole table.EXT. MARKETPLACE-DAYJesus, APOSTLE DRAMA and APOSTLE TURTLE are browsing when a comely MARY MAGDALENE crosses their path. She flirts outrageously with Jesus, who likes what he sees.APOSTLE TURTLE(to Jesus)God damn, Mary Magdalene is a MILK a Mary I d like to knoweth!APOSTLE DRAMAI m not sure about this Mary Magdalene chick, bro. I think she might be a frankincense digger, bro APOSTLE TURTLEOh, what do you know you jerk off so much, you have stigmata!A group of ROMAN SOLDIERS appear on the scene and they heckle Jesus.SOLDIERYo, Jesus! I saw a vision of your mother last night and let me tell you, she s no Virgin!Apostle Drama goes over to punch the soldier but Jesus holds him back.JESUSWe must turn the other cheek, my brother.APOSTLE DRAMA(muttering, frustrated)Turn the other ass-cheek is more like it Those Romans are such Messiah-haters!INT. CAVE DAYAPOSTLE ARI is yelling at Jesus.APOSTLE ARII just got a scroll from Pontus Pilate he s calling for your crucifixion! You need to start acting like the King of the Jews and stop acting like the Queen of the Jews!(holds stomach suddenly)Damn, I shouldn t have asked you to multiply all of those fish I think I ve got mercury poisoning Lloyd!INT. JAIL DAYJesus is behind bars, being visited by Apostles Turtle, Ari, Drama and Eric.JESUSWell, I can t say I didn t I didn t see it coming. Judas. Jew, Dis. He s a Jew, he sure did dis me. I told him he d deny me three times before the cock crowed APOSTLE TURTLEWhoa, whoa why are we in a jail cell talking about cock?EXT. JAIL DAYApostle Eric addresses his fellow Apostles forlornly.APOSTLE ERICFellas, if Jesus suffers and dies on the cross for this, we ll lose everything.APOSTLE DRAMANo, he won t. If he gets crucified, he ll come back and be stronger than ever.(yells) Jesus will rise again!A title credit comes up:A P O S T L E STHE END.Matt Sullivan’s work has appeared in McSweeney’s, Playboy, The Onion and on his parents’ fridge.Avast! Spoiler WarningIf you re of the sort who gets all pissy about cats being let out of bags.Um, also, we should point out that the author, Ms. Verlizzo, did not forewarn the noble Y.P.R. editors and thus ruined the book for us before we cracked its spine. If anyone would like to purchase an unopened copy of H.P.A.T.H.B.P., please send a nickel.Denial 652 pages. Six hundred and fifty-two. After Order of the Phoenix s 870 pages, I suppose this is light reading. Then I remember that I forgot the entire content of the blue-covered book having whipped through it two long summers ago. I can t go back to it, yet I m having problems moving forward. Harry is no longer my sweet little boy wizard and I cannot deal with this. He is captain of the Quidditch team and discussing his future as Auror. He is starting to have very teenage daydreams about witches. This isn t happening. One day he is innocently scarfing Chocolate Frogs, the next he must battle evil incarnate or die. And then, 596 pages later, as I ve slowly moved towards acceptance of our Harry on the cusp of adult wizardhood, THE death occurs. My eyes repeatedly scan the words Avada Kedavra!, the death curse uttered by Snape to Dumbledore. Surely, it is a mirage. Ms. Rowling is playing tricks with my mind. Those words only appear because I ve been reading for seventeen straight hours and my mind can no longer process the English language. Our beloved headmaster isn t dead; he s just sleeping.Anger Our beloved headmaster is dead. Now I m pissed. Regardless of Snape s hateful attitude toward Harry and preference for that snot-nosed, bleached-blond pretty boy Malfoy, Dumbledore trusted him. I TRUSTED HIM. How, for the past sixteen years, has Snape followed Dumbledore s gentle yet firm orders, only to ruthlessly murder this most loyal and highly skilled wizard? A wizard that gave him a job and a home at Hogwarts when he could have, should have turned him away? Snape infuriates me: I always thought he was way too creepy cute in the movies not to do his part in eliminating evil. This seriously screws with my view of controlling, sullen, slightly disturbing, deep-voiced men. I start to question everyone who has ever promised me anything and snap at anyone who asks if I ve finished the book yet. Bargaining If anyone can bring Dumbledore back it s you, Harry, our hero. Didn t you learn some anti-jinxes in Defense against the Dark Arts? Can t you get that brainiac Hermione to mix up a potion? Conjure a Patronus, channel your dead dad, do whatever it takes for five more minutes with Dumbledore! Go get Fawkes, the beautiful phoenix with the healing tears! He can blubber all over Dumbledore until he rises again, stronger than ever. Dumbledore s silvery beard will glisten in the moonlight; his eyes will shine behind his half-moon spectacles. With boundless authority he will impart on us his wizardly wisdom so we can rest easy, knowing full well Hogwarts is safe under his watch. Depression I am never reading again. Harry has nobody. First, his parents are killed and he is left in the negligent care of the Dursleys. Had Harry lived in America, Child Protective Services would have most definitely removed him from that household. Then Sirius, Harry s godfather and the only parental figure he has ever known, was knocked off. Dumbledore is gone, and before long Ron and Hermione will give in to their adolescent desires and catch up on six lost years of snogging. All Harry has left is to single-handedly save the entire world without getting himself killed. This reminds me of how dreary our non-magical universe is and how we face mostly grim prospects by trying to help our fellow man. Damn you, Rowling. Acceptance Dumbledore did not die in vain; we can seek comfort in our memories and well-worn copies of the first six books. Dumbledore coached Harry through some of the darkest periods of his young life. Perhaps Snape will even prove himself good somewhere in his seemingly blackened heart. After all, he had ample opportunity to kill Harry and never did. Maybe Snape will even penetrate the circle of dark wizards and use this knowledge to help defeat them. I accept that J. K. Rowling wants to put us, faithful readers, in her trusting embrace of Harry s future, where there is always hope. I accept that even though this is the only series of sci-fi/fantasy books I have ever read, I became somewhat of a sci-fi/fantasy dork because of it. I accept that Book Seven may be the answer to our questions. I don t know if I can accept that I may have to wait three years to find out. Lauren Verlizzo is a teacher recovering from an injury, about which she writes lots of angst-ridden journal entries. She has never been published, except for a poem about monkeys in her sixth-grade literary journal and a heartwrenching letter to the editor in the November 1, 2004, edition of New York magazine.Memo: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Guy. O.K., O.K., O.K., I know it s five o clock, but seriously, they needed this yesterday. This will take less than a minute, I swear to you, so let s bang this out real quick right now, O.K.? Great hold on (Into cellphone:) Jimmy! Hi! I was just going to call you! Yeah, she s faxing it to you right now, right this second. Of course I m sure. O.K. (hangs up) O.K., so what do we have so far? Right, O.K., so. Ahhhhhhhhm. Ahhhhhhh, O.K., so we got Voldemort, right, the Death Eaters, you got that part already, right? What do you mean? Haven t you been listening? O.K., fine, so Voldemort and the death eaters and the Dementors, terrorizing London, yada yada. Make it sound really good, really creepy. Everyone s scared, you know, make it scary. O.K. Ahhhhhhhhhhm. Uhhhhhhhhhh. O.K., then, or, first, before that, Ralph Scrimihumma, right, Rufus, that s what I said, becomes the Minister of Magic Oh, and you got the thing with Weasley and What sherface, Hillary? Right, Hermione, that s what I said. We ve got to make this good, so do you think you could please try to pay attention? Oh, but first, we gotta get in the thing about Harry s textbook, all the special spells, the Half-Blood Prince thingy, right, transcription, fine. See, at the end of this, it s going to be great, there s the Dark Mark over Hogwarts, and What shisface gets killed, ooh, you ll love it, very scary, it s great. O.K., O.K. You know, you really should have had this to Jimmy already, like, yesterday. Ahhhhhhhhh, oh you got the thing about schmeckle, right, you know, whaddycallit, Snape, Severus Snape, right? Jesus, Shirley, are you even listening? Could you try to get this down? (Into cellphone:) Jimmy! You didn t? I ll have Shirley fax it again she s useless! (Hangs up.) I m kidding, you re great. O.K., where were we, ahhhhhhhhhhm, O.K., do a chart here. Can we do it Excel? O.K., so it s Voldemort s four horcruxes that must be destroyed, and then like a chart and pie chart or something. Fine, O.K. Ahhhhhhhhhhh. Ahhhhhhhh. Then, it turns out that Fleineyfloo, Whatshisname, Alan Rickman, he s the Half-Blood Prince. Brilliant, isn t it? And then, wait, you got the part with the Malfoy kid and how he s in cahoots with, you know, Schmuterbub, Whathisname, right? That s crucial, Shirley, please try to pay attention. O.K., get Jimmy on the phone right now. O.K., and you re getting this, right, so Hogwart s all messed up, it s perfect, we leave room for another sequel. I m good, right? Good enough, fine, O.K., so read that back to me. Amy Shearn s work has appeared or is forthcoming in Salt Hill, Passages North, 3rdBed, Lyric Review, Surgery of Modern Warfare, Zulkey.com, GutCult, and elsewhere. Also, she can touch her nose with her tongue.Sheen Machine: Every Single Episode of Two and a Half MenRalph Gamelli Since the CBS sitcom is on hiatus in wake of Mr. Sheen's galactic shitshow, Y.P.R. hereby republishes all 177 episodes of ribald mediocrity, handily condensed into one easy page. Money-Saving Holiday Shopping Tips from the Wizard of OzDaniel Friedman I AM OZ, THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE. Those who come before me cannot help but to cower and quail at my flaming visage. But I still have limits on my credit cards, and during these recessionary times, even mighty despots with enormous Heads have to count their pennies. It's a Wonderful Life: Alternate EndingAaron Belz In which a middle-aged Harry Bailey, no longer a war hero and still depressed about his older brother’s attempted suicide, himself begins to consider jumping off a bridge but is interrupted by an absent-minded angel. Kübler-Ross's Five Stages of AdventJustin Hook Days 1 – 10: DENIAL December already? IT’S CHRISTMASTIME! I wonder if any radio stations have switched to Christmas music yet. I should go caroling this year. How does that work--are there clubs? I definitely need to put up... Amazon Rankings of Children's Books by Christopher HitchensMick Stingley Mommy's Not Going to Heaven and Neither Are You!By Christopher HitchensAmazon.com Sales Rank: #18 in Books Most Recent Customer Reviews: "Finally! This is the definitive atheist and antitheist polemic teaching tool... Your Subscription to Netflix Has Been CanceledLucas Klauss Your dry cleaning has been incinerated, the remaining value of your gift cards has been electronically deleted, your electricity will be shut off in three days, all your jokes will fall flat, and you will forget how to whistle. Sheen Machine: Every Single Episode of Two and a Half MenRalph Gamelli Since the CBS sitcom is on hiatus in wake of Mr. Sheen's galactic shitshow, Y.P.R. hereby republishes all 177 episodes of ribald mediocrity, handily condensed into one easy page. Money-Saving Holiday Shopping Tips from the Wizard of OzDaniel Friedman I AM OZ, THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE. Those who come before me cannot help but to cower and quail at my flaming visage. But I still have limits on my credit cards, and during these recessionary times, even mighty despots with enormous Heads have to count their pennies. It's a Wonderful Life: Alternate EndingAaron Belz In which a middle-aged Harry Bailey, no longer a war hero and still depressed about his older brother’s attempted suicide, himself begins to consider jumping off a bridge but is interrupted by an absent-minded angel. Kübler-Ross's Five Stages of AdventJustin Hook Days 1 – 10: DENIAL December already? IT’S CHRISTMASTIME! I wonder if any radio stations have switched to Christmas music yet. I should go caroling this year. How does that work--are there clubs? I definitely need to put up... Ben Bernanke's Gotta FeelingTyler Stoddard Smith Enter the Black-Eyed Peas! You know the gang: Fergie, will.i.am, that curious hypeman of indeterminate Afro/Asian stock, and there's also one other guy. With their mega-hit "I Gotta Feeling," the Peas hit the nail on the proverbial head with respect to what needs to happen in this country economically. What a Rick Steves Travel Guide to Venice Would Look Like if Rick Steves Were Severely Agoraphobic / I've Decided to Start Acting More French / I Think I Need to Dispell Some Misconceptions about My Six-Foot-Tall Swedish Ladyfriend Who Happens to Be a Licensed Massage Therapist / European Hip-Hoppers / Temping in Vatican City / The Catcher in the Rye: The Unauthorized German Translation / Eurotrash / Part of Your Complete International Breakfast Things I've Said into Mirrors RecentlyEliot Nelson You are interesting. You have a great singing voice. You are talking into a puddle of urine in the bathroom of a Ruby Tuesday's. So, You've Decided to Become a DrifterCurtis Edmonds The life of a drifter is lonely, hard and trying, but when you're lying there, sprawled across a bench at the bus station, you can take pride in knowing that you're helping other people feel better about their choices in life. Quintus Masters, Apprehensive 19th-Century Whaler, Talks to TeenagersSean Murphy What calamitous folly! Surely the scant rations of fresh water, biscuits, and turtle meat stowed on board are insufficient for sustaining the crew on such a long and treacherous endeavor. Giant Radioactive Ant ... in Love (Excerpt)Patrick Barb With the success of Stephenie Meyer's vampire abstinence parable novels, the Twilight series, publishers are scrambling to move forward with their own monsters-in-love novels. Observations of Gregory Ash, Trash Culture SnobMatt Sullivan * When viewing paparazzi photos, refers the reverent diplomacy of JustJared.com to the nihilistic insouciance of PerezHilton.com This year, Mother's Day is gonna be OFF THA HOOK!

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