and the Wisdom to Know the Difference | Do not let what you cannot control get in the way of what yo

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and the Wisdom to Know the Difference Do not let what you cannot control get in the way of what you can

The New Normal. 2 Replies

I saw my therapist last week and we reminisced about how I was fortunate enough to have an appointment with her the day after the 2016 presidential election. She told me it was the hardest day of her career and that after holding it together for patients all day long, she cried the entire way home.

I understood and as I left her office on Wednesday I realized that I feel like Im still crying on some interminable commute with no destination in sight.

Theres the story of the frog in a pot of boiling water, where the temperature rises so slowly that the frog doesnt even realize its suffering until its far too late to do anything about it.

I dont believe Im the only one that feels this way, for whom scrolling through a Facebook feed is like sticking your hand in piranha tank, and who has to avoid Twitter entirely. Whos still trying to wrap her head around living in a world in which Tom Petty does not. Who cant quite grasp the inanity of most of what is reported as news and who sometimes is afraid to get on the elevator of her 80-story office building because today could be the day some white asshole goes nuts and shoots a bunch of people right there. Maybe somebody I know. Maybe me.

We isolate to protect ourselves, but of course that backfires, too, right, because suddenly a year has passed and youre just left wondering if you have any friends left. Sure you all agree that the country is a mess but when everyones just trying to keep their head above water no one can help anyone else from drowning. Ive never been afraid before like I might be the one to drown, only that I wouldnt be able to help someone else. And a lot of the time now I just feel like were all drowning in our own personal oceans worlds apart from one another and reaching across is just too hard.

But, you know. Thats not really what I want to talk about. Thats not news.

Lets talk about storytelling.

I spent a great deal of time over the last year playing a lot of Dungeons Dragons with a lot of awesome people. I tried new styles of play, new editions, new characters, and new tactics. I made mistakes, I made new friends, and I learned a lot about myself, the game, and telling stories. I realized that all I want to do is study stories and tell stories, because thats the only way Ive ever figured anything out or made anything better. I realized that my day job revolves around telling stories, too (you know, really boring ones about real estate, but stories nonetheless). Obviously all my theatre work has been about storytelling, too, but I realized that I dont need an audience to engage in the craft, or a production team, or critics, just a handful of likeminded souls and some dice. I realized that the only way Im going to hold on through the next few years of this nonsense is to keep telling stories with awesome people where you can stand up to bullies and the demons and the assholes and you can talk your way out of your problems if you try hard enough and you can wear fucking armor and get advantage and you help your ally Do the Thing that Saves the Day and you can run away when you get overwhelmed and still come back to fight another day, and not every little thing that happens feels like it brings the crushing weight of the universe down upon your shoulderseven when youre literally dealing with the crushing weight of the universe! (I mean, a small crew of us were joyously content to spend three entire sessions just trying to find some goddamned winter clothing so our shiny little first-level PCs wouldnt freeze to death this year.) To keep looking around the table and trusting that this crew has your back and youve got theirs and even in those times when youre all collectively the goddamn frog and the waters boiling up to your ears theres always a way out and someone at that table is going to think of it because youre all definitely way, way more than the sum of your parts. Cuz were heroes. We can do magic and shit.

Maybe its just escapism and making everything worse, but I dont believe that. Only in storytelling do I see where the intellectual and the emotional understanding of the world we want to live in or the person we want to be unite, and how can we build what we cant even imagine?

Up for it? Let me know. I may be hibernating, but Im around.

Third times thecharm Leave a reply

Hey! Long time no write. Since I gave up writing Stitch Fix reviews Ive sometimes forgotten this blog exists. I still get Fixes once every four weeks, and they continue to be stellar but relieving myself of the burden of taking pictures and writing reviews has been very good overall for my recovery from my body image and compulsive eating issues. I sometimes miss the community of sharing my boxes with fellow Fixers, but Ive come to trust my own judgment more.

But Im not here to talk about clothes today, rather I thought Id give a small update on the Whole30. Were in the middle of our third one right now, and it was very welcome after a pretty indulgent holiday season and a three-week-long throat-and-sinus cold that pretty much sapped my entire 12-day vacation from the office.

This time around Ive made an observation that I was probably too wrapped up in rehearsals and performances to make before: I fare much better with restriction than I do with portion control.

The Whole30 is restrictive eating, no doubt that label is why I avoided it for so long. No sugar, no dairy, no legumes, no grains, no alcohol. No, no, no, no, no. But hey, its only 30 days so whats the big deal. So much of my compulsive eating is wrapped up in feelings of deprivation that the Whole30, for years, felt like leaning into something that was going to trigger all sorts of behaviors that I thought would be too much for me. And possibly at some point, they would have been. But for whatever reason, when we are doing it, the restriction doesnt trigger or bother me at all.

As opposed to the holiday season. We were not so foolish or cruel as to attempt a Whole30 during the holidays, but I did go into with a general commitment to not going overboard. I felt Id learned enough in the last couple of years to be able to recognize feelings of fullness, to recognize when Im not hungry but bored or frustrated, to be able to trust that I would know when I had had enough of whatever unsatisfying sugary thing was in abundance all around me. I also felt that I had moved forward enough to give myself a break for indulging, to let go of worrying about the effects of one more piece of cinnamon toast was going to have on my skinny jeans.

I felt those things, but I was wrong.

I still cant have just one cookie, just one piece of bread, just one whatever. Theres no better self that steps and logically explains that indulging in fourteen cupfuls of really not-all-that-great-tasting caramel popcorn is not necessary on any level. Theres no inner Mary Berry that says, Those cookies are cheap and will taste like cardboard. Why dont you hold out for something better? Im just not there yet.

This remains an observation; it is not a diagnosis. For whatever reason, it is far easier for me to say, Im dont eat that, than to say, I will only eat a little bit of that.

The Whole30 has been a fantastic informative tool and this is a great example of it. Were about two weeks in and Im feeling about ten times better physically than I did during the holidays. Though, full disclosure, recent political events have left me feeling like my upper threshold of joy and enthusiasm has plummeted, and Im keeping an eye on some recent and mercifully brief dark patches of full-on depression. I shudder to think how much worse they might have been if I was loading myself down with my go-to bread-and-sugar comfort foods.

Until the next lightning bolt. Be well.

Stitch Fix Review#43! Leave a reply

My Fixes, it seems, are catching up to my age.

Still, not tired of receiving them! I am, however, getting slightly weary of blogging about them. 43 Fixes in and its hard to muster the same enthusiasm I had early on. Its getting easier to for me to make choices these days, and if I do need help, I have many other outlets for getting it. And frankly I am a little weary of trying to find good lighting in the same room as a good background in our house.

But heres something else: Im feeling pretty good about myself these days. There are a lot of factors that layer into that feeling and some of them, for sure, wont last forever, but just at the moment, the clothes are ceasing to be something that are helping me work through my body image issues. More and more, theyre justclothes. Im sure Ive hinted at all of this before, and I may feel differently when my next box shows up in a few weeksbut also I hope no one will be surprised if that box shows up without the requisite documentation on this blog.

And one last point on this I am not sure but I think that maybe, just maybe, this is my 100th blog post here. Perhaps that rounded milestone is telling me its time to make a shift.

But until then, heres the skinny: (Skip this paragraph if you read here often, it’s the same as it always is!) If you are not familiar with Stitch Fix, here’s the deal: Stitch Fix is an online personal styling service. You can subscribe for regular Fixes or just schedule them as you like. You fill out an extensive online profile of your tastes, sizes, and budget preferences and for a $20 fee, one of their stylist puts together a box of 5 clothing and accessory items to ship right to your door! You have 3 days to try things on, solicit opinions, balance your budget, whatever — you send back anything that doesn’t work for you in a prepaid envelope, and keep whatever you love! Your $20 styling fee is applied to anything you decide to keep, and if you buy the whole box of items you get 25% off the entire box! Prices vary but they say the average cost per item is $55 – 65. If you haven’t ever tried it and are interested, please consider using my referral link. If you use my link to schedule a Fix, I get a $25 credit towards my next purchase! (Note that I do not receive any compensation for reviewing this service; I just enjoy doing it).

Jessa Wide Leg Denim Trouser by Level 99 ($118). I was very jazzed to see these wide legs jeans headed my way, after pinning half a dozen images to my inspiration board of leggy blonds in flares and flowy floral tops, but cautious. These are exactly the kind of pants that can overwhelm a short person. Still, I was pleased to see that Stephanie had chosen a pair from Level 99, who also made the fantastic skinny cargoes from my last Fix. And wow, when I put them on, it felt like slipping into a vat of butter. Actually that sounds a little gross, so please ignore that because these pants felt amazing. Again, Stephanie managed to mine a hole in my closet that I didnt even really know how much I wanted filled. I didnt get a picture, but I also tried these on with flats and the length was great. Verdict: Keep.

Darcie Printed Pencil Skirt by Gilli ($48). Theres a lot to love about this piece not the least of which is the price tag including the fit, feel, and trusted brand name (I have five Gilli dresses in my closet). I thought this was going to be an easy yes for sure, but when it came right down to it I had a ton of trouble finding pieces to pair with it. Black was an easy choice, but white was a no-go since the skirt is off while. All of the hot colors in my closet felt wrong, and Im not brave enough for the level of pattern mixing required to pull off most of my other tops. I have that great laser cut blue sleeveless top from two Fixes ago, but I think the skirt wants a tucked-in top, and the cut details on the blue would have made that tricky. Ultimately, while I really liked this skirt and wanted to try to make it work, I dont love enough to balance the frustration of not having anything to wear with it. Frankly the last thing my closet needs is another printed pencil skirt with limited combination options. Verdict: Return.

Ramos Bell Sleeve Blouse by Market Spruce ($64). When I saw this was headed my way, my first reaction was sort of Whaaaaa?, because the color notwithstanding, this shirt felt really, just REALLY, not me. But, go figure, when I reviewed my Stitch Fix Pinterest inspiration board, I saw that I had included this:

You cant really deny the resemblance. But either way, I am always game to try whatever Stephanie sends because thats the whole point of the service, right? I gave this one its fair due but, much like the fabulous elastic hem top from the last Fix, this shirt was just WAY too narrow in the shoulders and chest for anyone to wear and remain sane. I mean, I just need to be able to lift my arms more than a few inches. Thats just a basic. Beyond that, the thing I thought I would hate about it (the sleeves) I did not (though I dont love them either), and the thing I knew I would hate about it (the high neckline) I did. It just looks matronly. Even with that amazing saturated bright color that I adore. Verdict: Return.

Belice Hooded Knit Top by Ink, Love Peace ($64). In my Style Profile, I ask primarily for Business Casual clothes that I can wear to work, with the occasional Date Night outfit thrown in every once in a while, and at least one piece per Fix as Casual. Ive found myself looking forward to that Casual piece more and more as I get older. Im no longer satisfied with lounging around in cheap Old Navy gear on the weekends; I want stuff that feels good and looks good too. This soft-as-heather pullover hoodie was never something I would think of asking for, shopping for, or even paying $64 for, but once I, I wanted it to stay on. Like, forever. Its a little more blue than the picture shows (so is my closet door, for that matter), and the lining and strings are a nice retro gray pinstripe on white. The sleeves are a tad too long on me, especially with the thumb hole detail in use, but that wasnt enough to sway me away. Verdict: Keep.

Egbert Tie Front Knit Top by Daniel Rainn ($54). Sorry, sorry, sorry, its a textured black top with a front detail, there was NEVER going to be ANY chance I would get a good photo of it all. Suffice to say that its got a lovely fitted shape, tucks into skirts with ease, and it goes with everything I own. The tie neck is the same fabric as that back overlay in the second picture, a nice subtle textured polka dot print, which I had also pinned in a different style shirt on my inspiration board. A perfect addition to my work wardrobe from one of my favorite Stitch Fix brands. Verdict: Keep.

Another 3/5 from Stephanie that could easily have been a 4/5. I love that she listens to my requests and obviously looks at my Pinterest board each time, which still managing to send items that surprise and delight me.

I was about to sign off with see you next time! but I dont know if there will be a next time! Hm, now Im feeling a little sad about that, so maybe Ill hold off on the decision for a little while. And no matter what I decide Ill stop with the blathering on about it. Until then, enjoy your one precious life!

Stitch Fix Review#43! 1 Reply

Wow, its September already! I dont know why I am shocked  we only got back from vacation a month and a half ago and Im already ready for the next one. But there are a lot of exciting things in the works an office move, a show opening, and, as always, a new Fix! So lets get right to it, shall we? Ill have a post at some later date about the rehearsal process, but I am prioritizing my review due to limited time I like to include the link to my reviews in my checkout process, and my checkout date is tomorrow!

Sybil Cargo Skinny Pant by Level 99 ($88). Last winter, I went to this super cool wine tasting event through my theatre company to mingle with some audience members in a very informal setting. There was a woman there wearing the most amazing skinny cargo pants they were so flattering that I had to ask her about them. Since then, Ive been Pinning any skinny cargoes I could find and whaddaya know, Stephanie delivered. These are a great fit, but I apologize for how hard it was to get a properly-lit photo of them. Our house is very moody, we like it that way, but trying to get well-lit photos of dark-colored pants is a nightmare. So you might have to just trust me when I tell you these were awesome  I plan on wearing them all weekend! Verdict: Keep.

Creen Laser Cut Peep Toe Bootie by BCBGeneration ($90). Based on a lot of the complaints I see in the Stitch Fix Facebook group I belong to, I feel very fortunate to have a stylist who really looks at my Pinterest board and listens to my requests (even though lately Ive steered away from specific requests in my note). I had Pinned several pairs of booties but didnt hold out much hope for getting any I would love  I am definitely into the bootie trend, because I think they look fantastic with skinny jeans and pants, but very picky about the ones I like. Booties that open up at the top rather than tapering in make me look even shorter than I already am. Stephanie sent me this chic pair and I discovered the joys of perforated heels. However, I also discovered the (potential) pain of peep toe cutouts. The right bootie fit perfectly, but the cutout of the left foot sliced right across the nailbed of my big toe. You can even see it in the photo. I wasnt the least bit ready to give up on the booties yet, so I did two things: 1) I checked online at all my favorite shoe places to see if I could find anything comparable, and 2) I asked around about shoe stretching possibilities. The alternate pair search turned up nothing even close except for the exact same pair direct from the BCBGeneration site, but the toe height stretching possibilities seemed broad and workable, so I thought I might keep them and see what I could do. The answer ended up being somewhere in between. BCBGeneration was offering their pair direct for $110, but 40% off, which came out to $66. They had the same color and size available, and the sale was to last another 5 days or until they were unavailable. Since a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush (possibly the worst adage of all time), I would have preferred to keep the pair I already had and go from there. So I reached out to Stitch Fixs awesome customer service team and inquired into a price match. They replied very quickly that they could not honor price matching for limited sale prices, so I was able to immediately purchase a new pair direct from BCBGeneration. They should be here late next week, and if they have the same issue, Ill try some of the many suggestions for stretching out the tight places! Verdict: Return.

Basinger Shoulder Pleat Blouse by Collective Concepts ($54). We had trouble capturing the terrific deep teal blue of this cute, versatile top, which was the best thing about it. The fit was all off; too boxy, the neckline was far too wide, and it has those not-there sleeves that make me look like a football player. This is one of those tops I would have kept (and possibly exchanged for a smaller size) if the rest of the box had been perfect, and likely given away in a year. Pretty, but nothing special. Verdict: Return.

Juanis V-Neck Blouse by 41Hawthorn ($64). I was intrigued by this blouse during the sneak peek. I liked the look of it, I like the v-neck and the pleating and the sleeve length. But take a look at the preview shot can you see the elastic hem at the bottom of the shirt? I couldnt quite wrap my head around it until it arrived. Of course the concept is super simple the elastic sits at your waist and allows a bloused-out, tucked in look without actually having to tuck in a bunch of extra fabric under your skirt or pants. This probably makes me a bit grandma, but I think this is just genius. I so wanted to be able to keep this shirt, but as you can see, on the right side of the main photo, it was far too tight across the bust. I couldnt raise my arms more than a few inches without it pulling in the most unattractive way and I thought a larger size would be too big everywhere else, so it had to go back, but it was a little heartbreaking. Verdict: Return.

Bowie Solid Dolman Sleeve Top by Laila Jayde ($58). This is one of those Stitch Fix classics. These dolmans have a great casual flair while not being totally shapeless. They are versatile, comfortable flattering but have just enough structure that you cant really feel frumpy in them. Paired with a terrific burgundy color for fall, I couldnt resist its charms. But I dont plan on hanging this in my closet, as the last shirt I got in this shape has stretched out in the neckline from being on the hanger. This one is getting folded in the drawer with my other chunky fall sweaters. Verdict: Keep.

(Skip this paragraph if you read here often, it’s the same as it always is!) If you are not familiar with Stitch Fix, here’s the deal: Stitch Fix is an online personal styling service. You can subscribe for regular Fixes or just schedule them as you like. You fill out an extensive online profile of your tastes, sizes, and budget preferences and for a $20 fee, one of their stylist puts together a box of 5 clothing and accessory items to ship right to your door! You have 3 days to try things on, solicit opinions, balance your budget, whatever — you send back anything that doesn’t work for you in a prepaid envelope, and keep whatever you love! Your $20 styling fee is applied to anything you decide to keep, and if you buy the whole box of items you get 25% off the entire box! Prices vary but they say the average cost per item is $55 – 65. If you haven’t ever tried it and are interested, please consider using my referral link. If you use my link to schedule a Fix, I get a $25 credit towards my next purchase! (Note that I do not receive any compensation for reviewing this service; I just enjoy doing it).

This was another terrific box, and I am still having a great time with this service. Ive been paring away older items with regularity so my wardrobe never feels overwhelming, but Im getting enough new stuff to keep things interesting.

Whole30: Reintroduction Leave a reply

(Small disclaimer, Im writing this on the iPad using the WordPress app, so for the sake of my own sanity I am going to try to make this a brief post)

Were now officially on Day 4, Post-30. Per the instructions on reintroducing non-compliant foods (and beverages) into our diet, I introduced honey into my tea on Day 1, returned to compliance for three days, and today I introduced grains in the form of one piece of whole wheat toast topped with avocado.

Day 1 was a cloudy day, until it was an incredibly hot and humid day, and Im uncertain how much big shifts in weather affect my general sense of wellbeing. That being said, for several hours after I had said honey-in-tea, I had a headache and general feeling of crappiness that last into the early afternoon. It was basically the same as how I feel when I am in the early stages of migraine, when Im unsure whether or not to take my prescription.

There are about a thousand different factors that could have accounted for this. Work has been stressful, my schedule has been stressful, I am exhausting myself at rehearsal every night and having disturbingly vivid dreams of late. Also, lets be clear, I had exactly ONE teaspoon of honey, diluted in that cup of tea. And, as I said, the whether was shifty. I dont know. Im not a scientist, and this is hardly the most controlled experiment. All that being said, for most of the past thirty days Ive felt great. No random headaches or congestion. And on Wednesday, after one teaspoon of honey in one cup of tea, I felt like crap. By the next day I was fine, and the day after that.

Which brings us to Day 4. I have been frankly terrified of reintroducing grains into my diet. Remember me, with the six croissants in one sitting? Well, I do. Its been such a relief not to crave sweets and bread all the time that I have been loath to reintroduce it in the event that it sends that obsession into overdrive.

On top of that, when I do think about having sweets or bread, I dont think about a packet of cookies from the vending machine at work, or a rubbery roll from Au Bon Pain rather, I think about finding the best French bakery in the Midwest and paying whatever it takes for a three-hundred-year old pastry recipe that only two people know, loaded with butter and tradition and time-tested perfection. Doing the Whole30 has given me back the body confidence and good feeling about myself and my health that I had twenty years ago, before I ever even considered that Weight Watchers might one day be on my horizon. I dont want to waste or risk any of that on just anything.

Still, for the sake of the experiment, I decided I had to try it. Its a good day to do so, since my activities are entirely home based namely, script work, script work, and some more script work. I knew today was the day with the least amount of variables built in, and I could really pay attention.

I ate that toast about forty-five minutes ago. Again: one piece of whole wheat bread toasted and topped with avocado.

The first thing I noticed was a clear but mild warmth in the back of my throat. It spread, a little, to my tongue and lips. It intensified, a little, over time. This feeling is like a shadow of what happens when I eat anything even remotely spicy. It plateaued for about half an hour, and now its starting to fade. But my stomach feels unsettled and unhappy not pissed, or anything, just displeased, like, Well now why did you go and do that?

Im going to keep paying attention. Ive decided not re-introduce alcohol, and on Day 7 well have a go at peanut butter. As far as dairy goes, I already connected the dots on that long before I ever started the Whole30, and had planned on reintroducing it as buttered toast. But now I am not so sure. I havent missed it, and I am definitely not feeling interested in any more toast. Scrambled eggs cooked in ghee have been just as awesome.

Once more I really cant emphasize this enough none of this is particularly scientific. There are far too many variables, and Im sure if wed done this during a stretch when we arent in rehearsals the results might be very different. Right now, my gut feeling is that I would like to keep eating compliantly, but will consider making adjustments for special occasions, or when the lack of convenience cant be overcome. Ill probably return to eating from salad bars even when I dont know what its in the dressing and just accept theres probably some sugar in there. Jurys still out on bacon, though.

Whole30 Update: To reset, or to notreset. 1 Reply

We didnt reset.

On the Whole30 website they have a list (they like lists) of 5 responses to the should I reset? questions and four of them are, You should reset. The fifth is, basically, youre an adult, do what you want.

So we were ready to reset, had discussed some ideas around what wed need to do during those upcoming trouble weekends, and then I took another couple of days to think it over.

During that time it occurred to me that this situation was basically the reason I had put off doing the Whole30 for so long in the first place (I first heard about it two-and-a-half years ago when I was still entrenched in Weight Watchers). At the time it just felt like restricting, and in breaking out of eating disordered behavior anything that evoked even a whiff of restricting was a big red flag for me. It was only when I was able to come at it with less of an attitude around weight loss, and more of one about feeling good and treating myself well, that I could even consider a plan that cut five types of intake out of our diet. And even then, I knew that I had to be careful about becoming obsessed with the strict nature of the plan and basically starting to structure my life around eating again, rather than using eating to fuel the rest of my life.

So the reset or not rest question was starting to look like one that was triggering my obsessive-compulsiveness, and making me feel shameful around what I had done (out of ignorance or denial). That shame then triggering a depressed feeling, the same old despair that cant stop humming the earworm about how I can never, ever, change. That I have an upper limit of happiness and its a barrier I can never break through.

I posted my dilemma in a support forum (an Eating Disorders sub-form of a recovery site where I also post about codependency), and got some thoughtful feedback. I wont see my therapist until next week and part of me was determined to work through it without her guidance anyway. One of my favorite posters on that forum brought up her issues with black and white thinking and how much trouble she has getting comfortable with the grey areas. I noted that it feels like food is the last bastion of this kind of thinking for me. Im able to forgive my trespasses and failures in so many other areas, but when it comes to food I hold myself to a very strict standard and tend to be unforgiving. So this is what I told her:

What I want to do is not reset and forgive myself for it, and be grateful for all that the last 22 days have given me, which is invaluable increased self-confidence, focus, and energy to do all the things that really make like meaningful (as opposed to you know, food and clothes). The fact is, we are going to keep eating this way as long as we can stand it, not because of any Program rules, but because it makes us feel good.

We are not resetting. I am at peace with this. I deserve to live my life without subjecting myself to arbitrary structures by which to judge myself. I believe the Whole30 is a great program and I love eating this way, but I refuse to wield it as a weapon against myself.

Stitch Fix Review #41: Falltransitions Leave a reply

I have NOT forgotten to update about whether or not I am going to reset the Whole30. I just havent decided yet. Im trying to find a balance between a responsible decision and  one that doesnt leave me feeling ashamed of myself, and I aint there yet. Ill get back to that in a separate post. In the meantime, I got a new Fix, and it was awesome! I cant wait to share it with you!

First of all, life is SUPER BUSY right now! I had been hoping that this Fix would arrive a couple of days early (like the last three have done) so it would show up on Saturday, but alas it came right on time on Monday. Which gave me the tiniest window to try stuff on and get it shot between work and rehearsals. I quick threw everything on before dinner last night, was super happy that it all fit comfortably, took one of the pieces to rehearsal with me for second opinions, and then got up early this morning for photos. I apologize in advance and again for the lighting that doesnt quite capture some of the colors and details  what can I say. We like our house on dim side.

Clarissa Pencil Skirt by Renee C ($48). Yall know I love pencil skirts. I have, like, four? Well, now I have five. This one is stretchy, with a sturdy thin fabric and while I was walking around the house this morning it didnt even ride up. Plus PLAID and FALL, yay. Per Stephanie, Last but not least this Renee C skirt, this was my fun piece, its gorgeous burgundy, classic fit and fun plaid screamed you-meets-fall and I have so many expectations for this! Well, good job Stephanie, this was a knockout!

Second bit of Clarissa trivia when we did pictures this morning this was the main piece that we didnt capture the color or pattern for in either styling, so I sent a message to my husband asking if he would send me a close up whenever he could. His response? OK but I think it will be too tight on me. Verdict: KEEP.

Mirado Lasercut Detail Blouse by Pixley ($58). I love big bold colors, so I was sold on this blouse right away, despite some obvious cons its boxier than I usually wear (but Im opening my mind to less fitted fashion these days anyway) and I am confident that within a few wears I will have torn at least three holes in the lasercut details. But COBALT, how is it to be resisted? Its not! This will go with a lot of things I own for work, and still dress down with jeans for a more casual look. Just remind me not to wear any long, dangly necklaces with this top as they will eat right through the neckline beautiful detail. Verdict: KEEP.

Kalan Woven Knit Detail Top by Papermoon ($54). I admit I was a wee bit disappointed when I saw this top was on its way to me oh great, another striped top but the Stitch Fix app only shows a full frontal shot of the pieces. Therefore it was a delightful surprise opening the box and seeing the really cute back detail. The black fabric is that filmy flowy stuff that sits so nicely. I like the length and the neckline and I adore the back view. Im a little concerned that this will stretch out on a hanger so Im determined to keep it folded in a drawer instead I just hope I remember to wear it!! Verdict: KEEP!

Ladera Open Cardigan by Evolution by Cyrus ($68). Okay, so if I was a little disappointed about the Kalan, you can imagine I was stunningly disappointed to see this beige-colored thing headed my way. There are only ever 2 3 colors I have marked as Please Dont Send on my profile, and beige is one of them! But, I try to keep an open mind with everything Stephanie sends (she is on-base WAY more often than she is off) and I figured, well, I can pair it with something more brightly colored once my tans fades so it doesnt wash me out completely. Because its practically the same color as me. I also secretly hoped it would be a different color than the one in the app-preview because ooh, look, pockets. That never happens to me though, so I was prepared for it when I opened the box.

What I was not prepared for was OHMYGODSOCOMFY. Its a boyfriend style, so its long (and I loooooooove that, though it probably makes me look shorter), and its thick enough to be warm but thin enough to drape well. This is the one I brought to rehearsal for second opinions on the color and whether or not I should size down. We all agreed that even though the arms are really long, its the perfect kind of sweater for lounging around in and I dont even really have one of those. Except, now I do! Yay! Verdict: KEEP.

Rocco Jersey Fauz Wrap Dress by 41Hawthorn ($78). Have I ever mentioned how lucky I am to have a stylist who is as attentive to requests as the Stitch Fix inventory allows? I know from reading on the B/S/T/Discussion board that not everyone is so blessed. I dont like to do a LOT of requests because I feel like a) its not really the point of the service, and b) if I really need something specific I should go out and try to find it directly. But 41 Fixes in, sometimes you just see something lovely and you have to try it. Or, try to try it, as it were. I requested this piece, in black (it also comes in navy but I very much wanted black), last month after seeing it in a flood of Fixes on the board and falling head over heels in love with it. And it did not disappoint. Like pencil skirts, wrap dresses are flattering to so many figures, and also quite forgiving for weight-fluctuators like me. I have already planned to wear this to the opening night party of my next show the hard part is holding off wearing until then. Verdict: KEEP!

For those keeping track, yes! A five-for-five Grand Slam for Fix #41! This was already one of my least expensive Fixes of late, and now its about hundred dollars cheaper on top of that. The only consideration left is what to remove from my closet in order to keep it from exploding. I dont have to worry about the pencil skirt or the blue top, as i dont have anything like those pieces in those colors. So those are unique adds. However, I would probably choose the pencil skirt of the red a-line 41Hawthorn skirt I got last year (see above). And I have a deep purple sleeveless top from LOFT that maybe doesnt get as much play in the rotation as others and the blue could replace that. I do want to purge at least one of the striped tops I already have, though, and that will be a difficult choice. You can see them in the photos to the left.

In exchange for the Rocco dress, I might be ready to part with this lovely navy Gilli dress I also got last year. Ive not worn it as much as I thought I would, and yet Ive worn to all of my major recurring events Ive worn it in two staged readings, to one opening, and to another event for the theatre that I go to at least three times a year, so its a bit played out. Its also just barely too formal for work. Its done its job, and I bet I can find it a nice new home.

(Skip this paragraph if you read here often, it’s the same as it always is!) If you are not familiar with Stitch Fix, here’s the deal: Stitch Fix is an online personal styling service. You can subscribe for regular Fixes or just schedule them as you like. You fill out an extensive online profile of your tastes, sizes, and budget preferences and for a $20 fee, one of their stylist puts together a box of 5 clothing and accessory items to ship right to your door! You have 3 days to try things on, solicit opinions, balance your budget, whatever — you send back anything that doesn’t work for you in a prepaid envelope, and keep whatever you love! Your $20 styling fee is applied to anything you decide to keep, and if you buy the whole box of items you get 25% off the entire box! Prices vary but they say the average cost per item is $55 – 65. If you haven’t ever tried it and are interested, please consider using my referral link. If you use my link to schedule a Fix, I get a $25 credit towards my next purchase! (Note that I do not receive any compensation for reviewing this service; I just enjoy doing it).

Thats it for Fix #41 (and Grand Slam #4). Ill be back with an update on the Whole30 and a final call whether or not to reset soon. Until then, enjoy!

Whole30 Update: Day 22 of 30or isit? 2 Replies

So, I screwed up.

For the past 22 days, my go-to snack at the office has been, not unsurprisingly, nuts. I keep almonds, walnuts, and cashews at my desk and most afternoons I indulge in some combination of all three. Ive mentioned this before.

Turns out, sometimes people who package these things list both the Ingredients of whats inside as well as what the can Contains.

The cashews Ive been eating have been roasted in peanut oil and salted. And peanut oil is a no-no on the Whole30. I didnt notice until today because the first thing I saw on the label was Contains: Cashews. And then I sort of went, Okay, good enough!

No, it didnt occur to me to wonder why Salt wasnt listed probably just wishful denial on my part.

Technically, the Program encourages you to start over at this point.

The obsessive-compulsive completist in me says I need start over.

The adult with a full-time job who is three weeks into rehearsals for a demanding role thinks I aint got time for that nonsense.

Right at this moment I dont know who to listen to. And I need to discuss it in depth with my husband, who is, frankly, my personal chef right now. Not that he would have to start over if I started over, but I wouldnt need his assistance any less if I decided to start over again tomorrow. Weve discussed a couple of times how much we like eating this way, so I am not anticipating catastrophe if I reset. But with our company retreat weekend approaching as well as tech weekend of our show falling within the new 30 days, it wont be quite as easy to manage as its been during the last stretch.

Ill update when I know what I am going to dobut I think I am going to reset. Wish me luck.

Whole30 update: Day 15 of30. Leave a reply

Were halfway through! Things are going well, and we are very busy. In addition to successfully completing two compliant weeks on the Whole30, we have a week of rehearsals under our belt for our next production opening in September. We have discussed a few times that staying mostly on-plan after the thirty days seems like a no-brainer, although I have trepidation about how easy it will be as a post-plan way of life. I still feel emotional temptation towards bread and sugar, even when not hungry, and right now my best defense against those cravings is telling myself, Hey, its only thirty days. Youve come too far to blow it now. Without that, I worry about my willpower. I have not put effort into developing better coping mechanisms around cravings, Ive just satisfied them with compliant foods. So I have to wonder how much is really changing.

In the spirit of consistency, lets return to the Whole30 timeline and see how things compare.

Day 8-9. For the love of Gosling, my pants are TIGHTER.

I mercifully seem to have skipped this bit, though I did feel some frustration for a few days late last week  despite really spectacular expectation management on the part of the creators of the Whole30 that they didnt feel any looser. I now know that this phase is normal as my body adjusts to the lack of easy-access sugars and accounts for any digestive issues I have experienced through the second week.

Day 10-11. The hardest days.

These are real, friends. I cant remember if it was on Day 10 or 11, but on one of those days I found myself walking through the office, approaching the lunch room, and I thought, if there was a big basket of bread in there, I would eat it all. I would not hesitate, i would not think twice. All I can say is that I am glad there wasnt. These are the days when most people abandon the plan. But as I read the websites description of why, Youre cranky, youre impatient, and youre really, really tempted to just eat the stupid cheese, I dont really identify with that. Instead I observed the challenge of facing my own issues with compulsive eating, and not walking away with a satisfying I learned something today feeling. I need to keep paying attention to this.

The other part of the sites notes on these days is about redefining your idea of a reward. I wish I used food as a reward, but my desire for bread and butter and starchy salty things is less about reward than it is about comfort. The site asks you to remind yourself that food cannot fill voids for you, cannot make you feel truly accomplished, comforted, calm, happy, beautiful. I agree with most of that. i dont agree with comforted. I dont think theres anything non-human that comforts me better than food, that takes the edge off restlessness especially when that restlessness seems to be caused by the desire for a particular food! So this is where I think I have some work to do. I see my therapist against in a couple of days for an update. Well spend some time on this for sure.

Days 12-15. Boundless energy! Now give me a damn Twinkie.

Per the site, This is the part of the program where our minds try to drive us back to the comfort of the foods we used to know.

This is where we are right now, Im unsure. I dont have boundless energy. Sometimes I dont have enough energy to get through the workout I planned. I feel smaller? I feel confident in myself, and I am having vivid dreams but they arent about food. I think if the Whole30 was the only thing I was doing right now, I might be more in tune with this timeline. The rehearsals really throw things off. They are at once energizing and exhausting. I cant wait for them to start, I dont want them to be over, and Im terrified I will never learn all my lines. Food? Who has time to worry about this? I sleep soundly and then wake up too early and my mind starts racing and I think, I should get up and look at my script. I should run that scene again. Did I write that blocking down correctly?

So yeah I dont know that any of that has anything to do with the Whole30.

Based on the things coming up for the last couple of weeks in the timeline, my next update should be fantastic.

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